I have evolved

When I first started sharing my art on the internet, my life was in a very different place. I was struggling heavily with my mental health. I was isolated, depressed... In fact, my goal with my art was to express the mess I was feeling inside, and in turn, I wanted my art to be disturbing. I wanted the darkest parts of me to be visible and for that pain and suffering to be felt through my art and shared with others.

That is not where I am anymore.

Since then, I have gotten out of the toxic relationship I was in. I have found and created a beautiful home for myself and a stable environment where I can heal and truly find the soft parts of my soul. I looked inward and thought about what I wanted people to feel when they see my art. I realized I don’t want to make people feel disturbed. I don’t want people to pity me or think I am crazy. I want to share my love of nature, to share the whimsy in life. I want people to look at my art and feel joy.

The man I was dating then said something to me that deeply hurt me and my creative process. He said to me, when I was first starting up my shop, that my art was not as deep as his friend’s art. At the time, I was painting my cats that I adored, as well as fairies, plants, and rainbows. His friend was creating art digesting his relationship to mental health and addiction. While his art carried incredible depth and I respected his work and thought highly of him, having my art compared to his by someone I loved so deeply hurt me beyond belief.

So my art changed to something dark. I thought depth came from the ugliest parts of my soul. That I needed to turn myself inside out and exploit my darkest moments to create art with depth.

My art wasn't an accurate depiction of who I am. The art I made made me feel terrible about myself and was a reflection of my darkest moments. I hated having the art around my home as a reminder of my instability and unhappiness.

I wanted to create art that I love. Art that makes me happy.

Today I have committed to creating art that showcases my love for exploration, nature, and taking in the little things. My favorite quote for years has been an Alan Watts quote: “The ordinary everyday consciousness that we have leaves out more than it takes in.” I want my art to embody my love for this world that we live in.

I’ve learned that art that inspires exploration and sparks joy can have just as much depth as art that details the hardships we experience in life. I’ll keep up my dark art as a reminder of how far I’ve come.

I hope you guys can see my growth as well.

Thank you for reading my little artist’s dump.

With so much love,

Mari Melody